Friday Face-Off: Swine Flu vs Bird Flu

Everyone's talking about the Swine Flu, like it's the big shit around the pandemic world. People are scared of it. Schools are being closed. There's talk of actual borders being closed. Women are using it as an excuse for not going out with me. Apparently it's a big deal.

But really, how does the Swine Flu match up against Bird Flu?

Do you smell that? It smells like another Edition of The Friday Face-Off.




In this week's Friday Face off these two Influenzas will face of in a triad of categories. They are: History in Humans, Exotic Locale and Pseudonyms. Best two out of three "wins".

History in Humans

The Swine Flu has been around for quite some time. Apparently the Spanish Flu of 1918 is an ancestor of the current Swine Flu, though in fairness top scientists are unclear on whether it came from pig to human or human to pig. As a result it's sort of a historical footnote, but not really germane to the topic at hand.

Still the Swine Flu has plenty of skeletons in it's closet There was that time in 1976 when an outbreak broke and a pandemic was feared. Hilarious PSAs were commissioned and a vaccine was developed. Unfortunately that vaccine had the occasional nasty side effect of Guillain-Barré syndrome a neuromuscular disorder.

Thus the Swine Flu Vaccine was one of the biggest disasters of the era, right up with Jimmy Carter and the DC Implosion.

In 1988 there was a woman who was eight months pregnant who caught the Swine Flu in Wisconsin that proved fatal. She caught it while visiting a hog barn at a country fair. And that would be reason #478 why I don't frequent country fairs. It's right up there with my pathological fear of denim overalls and my need to be around people with and 1:8 extremities to teeth ratio.

When it comes to the history of the Bird Flu there haven't been that many outbreaks. The first case in humans wasn't until the late 90's so it's relatively new on the flu chain. In fact, in the past dozen years only 255 people have succumbed to it. To put that in perspective, more people were driven to suicide by Pharrell William's dreadfully awful solo album.

In the end, the Swine Flu is like the Barney Miller Theme Song
; seventies, funky and classic. Meanwhile Bird Flu is like the theme song to Dawson's Creek; begging desperately for someone to reference it on a VH1 nostalgia program.

The Swine Flu is so classic it hung around long enough to become fashionable again, while the Bird Flu is like the Spin Doctors, something you enjoyed in the 90's that you look back on and regret.

Advantage: Swine Flu.

Let's consider Exotic Locale.

As I'm sure everyone's aware, the current outbreak of Swine Flu is centered in Mexico, our neighbor to the South. Mexico is the New Jersey to the United State's New York. Mexico, the place where white kids spend Spring Break going wild and rubbing elbows with their future nannies and gardeners. Maybe it's because I grew up mere hours from the Mexican border, but that shit ain't exotic.

Bird Flu on the other hand has the majority of it's cases being found in Asia or Indonesia.

That's all the way across the world. We're talking different culture, language and time zone. I've watched a few episodes of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman and I can tell you that side of the world is crazy. I'd be more worried about what's for dinner than I would be about catching the Bird Flu.

I'll dumb it down; if you were going out on a date would you rather go to a P.F. Chang's or Chipolte? With one you're going to get to show off your skill with different eating utensils and are guaranteed a fortune cookie, with the other you're probably going to end up feeling bloated.

Also, lets consider how far away china is and how expensive it is to fly out there. Going out there and catching bird flew would be like going to Mars and being bitten by a space alien, it's awful but it comes with an interesting story and you got it doing something expensive. Not to mention how China is known for all it's medicines (people pay thousands of dollars per pound for the strange roots and mushrooms that grow out there because of thier healing properties).

Meanwhile, any college student aged douche can travel to mexico and die from just drinking the damn tap water.

Advantage: Bird Flu

Thier Pseudonyms.

According to Swish some folks are trying to get the name of the Swine Flu changed to "Mexican Flu" or "H1N1 Virus." Neither of them really has a nice ring to it.

But peep the alias for the Bird Flu; Avian Flu. That's damn near majestic. "Avian Flu" sounds like a world-class clarinet player who jammed with Charles Mingus, Sun Ra and Thelonious Monk. Avian Flu could be found on a paint swatch at Home Depot, possibly around Burnt Amber. I'm pretty sure that Avian Flu was a henchman in Dr. No.

It just sounds classier. I wouldn't be ashamed to have Avian Flu. Mexican Flu sounds like what everyone gets to bring home with them after spring break and H1N1 Virus sounds like it wasn't worthy of naming at all. Swine Flu is just foul sounding and scary, plus pigs are just gross. Avian Flu sounds like something that we could probably beat with Nyquil.

Advantage: Bird Flu.

And there you have it. Despite all of the hoopla and media hype, the Swine Flu just doesn't measure up to the Bird Flu. While it's got more of a history with people, Bird Flu is more exotic, classier and has a better alias.

Remember, you read it here first. Also, take a moment to watch this short, educational film about the potential pandemic known as swine flu. Also don't touch us.



Next week on Friday Face Off: Mice vs. Roaches