Sweet Sacred Scrolls!

So I read this news story and it completely shook my foundation to it's very core. For those of you too lazy to click on the link, I'll summarize.

Basically it's saying that since the (inevitable) attack earlier in Connecticut people who own chimpanzees are trying to unload them on chimpanzee sanctuaries, which are now at capacity.



I'm telling you right now, putting those partially domesticated chimps in sanctuaries is the worst idea imaginable and nothing good will come from it.

First off, I'm a huge proponent of "you made your bed, now sleep in it." If you couldn't fully conceive of the consequence of owning a chimpanzee past the cute and cuddly stage then you probably should have your nose and genitals gnawed off.

Living things should not be disposed of once they stop being cute (I'm looking squarely at you, producers on Family Matters.)It's like my grandfather used to say "you can't cohabitate with a chimpanzee and not expect for someone's genitals and fingers to get bitten off."

Oh, we all laughed at him and thought he was senile, but clearly time has proven his words were full of wisdom.

Equally importantly, the last thing we need right now is our very own Planet of the Apes.

Look, those chimps are bound to become resentful when they get ditched.And now that we know that chimpanzees are capable of premeditation do we really want to group them together with their festering resentment of humans?

We're talking about chimps that have intimate knowledge of human society, routines and vulnerabilities. They're going to be in these sanctuaries comparing notes about people and cursing their current situation. They're going to be angry that they aren't getting alcohol or the food they've become accustomed to and they're going to want a change.

Before you know it, they're going to be plotting and it's going to be Battle for the Planet of the Apes all over again. Y'know the old saying "about a hundred monkeys in front of a hundred typewriters for a hundred years…" well I'm saying that if you take a few dozen chimpanzees give them knowledge of human civilization and then sequester them to a "sanctuary" you've got the ingredients for a trouble stew, a hilarious sitcom or a full on ape revolt. Possibly even two out of the three.

I'm genuinely of the school of thought that prison is just school for criminals; when you get out you're just a better criminal because that what you learn when you're there. While I've never been, I'm betting that these chimpanzee sanctuaries are the same thing. I keep seeing the image of an adult male chimpanzee wearing a hat Adebisi-style. Normally chimps in hats are funny, but that image gives me nightmares.

Could the United States withstand an attack by a ruthless chimpanzee mob? I'm sure. But with our military stretched thin overseas, our economy in the sewers and Charlton Heston dead, do we really want to take that chance?