I'm ill prepared she said...

We need another gun apparently.

And by “we” I mean my family. And not only another gun, but like can goods and road flares and water and a generator and a CB radio and living room window sized planks of wood and shit.

My baby moms --and I like to call her that because it makes other people uncomfortable for some reason and I like to make people feel uncomfortable, I guess the term is tied to dysfunction in a lot of ways so when people see us out and I introduce her as that they smile nervously or go “oh”, as if they’re not sure if they just caught us on our way to or from the courthouse or some other tacky shit-- anyway, she brought it up to me the other day.



Not because she’s worried about the Country going into marshal law or something because that would just be silly. Even though Rep. Michael Burgess (R-TX) said “Mr. Speaker I understand we are under Martial Law as declared by the speaker last night…” during a one minute floor speech where asked the Speaker of the House to post the bailout bill on the internet for at least 24 hours instead of passing such a huge piece of legislation in the “dark of night”. Conspiracy theorist shit bricks over it and you can see the clip of him saying it here and it is kinda creepy:



After some research I realized that Martial Law in congress means passing a bill without votes and not the Police State type of Martial Law but it’s not like both of those things aren’t terrifying and I didn’t really hear a lot of people talking about it. There's a part of me that wishes that more people would have heard him say that and then panic and blow it out of proportion.

So anyway, it wasn’t because of that. And she didn’t bring up our lack of guns because of any weird feeling she was having about maybe something going horribly wrong with Obama’s term that would result in people rioting so bad that we would have to board ourselves up and hide.

Nope, her concern for our lack of emergency preparedness came from her being worried about some sort of zombie apocalypse like in the horror film 28 days later or some shit. It occurred to her that if anything like that or like in Night Of The Living Dead, or Return Of The Living Dead, or Dawn Of The Dead or any of those movies where zombies are wrecking shit and we have to board ourselves up and defend ourselves and all that, that we would be in big trouble.



And she’s right, that’s why we’re now saving up to add a secret hide out in the house, we're gonna start working on zombie evacuation drills, and i'm going to Home Depot to get giant wood planks and a chainsaw.