Friday Face Off: Brown Mike vs. Lite Mike

In honor of the memory of Michael Jackson, we here at Fish And Spaghetti thought that it would be fitting to dedicate the friday face off to him.

But who would we have him face off against? We thought about Prince, and James Brown and some others, but really, who can compare to Michael Jackson?

Nobody...except himself!

That's right, it's "Lite Mike" vs. "Dark Mike".

Shamone!




We decided to examine the two "Mikes" in 4 categories: Headlines, Relationships, Sidekick, and Co-sign.

Let's get right into it with the two Michaels Side Kicks:

Maccaulay Culkin vs. Bubbles the monkey.

Maccaulay's a cool sidekick and is sort of Robin-esque to “Lite Mike’s” Batman. He's precocious and portable and probably says funny things.

He's also probably got great stories about John Candy (side note – does everyone who worked with this kid die before their time?), but sooner or later he's going to hit his awkward adolescent stage.

In addition to just growing up he's got his own fame and probably a degree of ego. This kid was the star of the Home Alone franchise and practically invented the crappy comic book to movie subgenre with Richie Rich, so you know he's got more than a bit of ego. Before you know it you've got a bitter Mickey Rooney type ruminating about how much of a big a box office draw he was. Who the hell wants to tolerate that?

Bubbles on the other hand is exotic.

Who has a bloody chimp as a friend? Cool guys like Tarzan, that's who! Bubbles looks dope no matter what you dress him in and he probably won't have an opinion when it comes what you eat or where you're going to spend the day.

Sure you're going to have to deal with the occasional tossing of feces, but from what we hear about Maccaulay it wouldn't be out of the norm with him either. And yes, Bubbles' awkward adolescent stage will involve more aggressive behavior at the least and gouged eyeballs, gnawed genitals and bitten off digits at the worst. But c'mon, that just means Bubbles can protect you. What can Maccaulay protect you from? A good script? Glowing reviews? Success?

So there you have it. You want to hang out with an annoying, silly animal who runs around your house all obnoxious or would you rather chill with a cool little monkey? Exactly.

Winner: Bubbles
Advantage: “Brown Mike”

They both made a lot of Headlines too.

Burned by Pepsi vs. Where to Begin?

Brown Michael Jackson getting burned during the Pepsi commercial was tragic.

It taught all Americans, ok, all Black Americans about the danger of the Jheri curl and an errant spark.

Meanwhile, "Lite Mike" practically single handily kept some tabloids in business with stories about hyperbolic chambers, buying the elephant man's bones, dangling his kid out a window, getting several nose jobs, the "Kick me-Kyke me" fiasco, getting lighter in complexion every few months and just generally being strange.

If you're into that sort of thing though, you gotta admit that all that crazy shit "Lite Mike" was up to was pretty damn entertaining. In a horrible train wreck sorta way.

Advantage: (For all the wrong, yet hilarious reasons) "Lite Mike"



Let's look at who Black and Beige Mike decided to Cosign during thier respective tenures:

Eddie Murphy vs. Rockwell

Michael was generous with his time. Too generous. He cosigned plenty of crap in his days but two spring immediately to mind.

Rockwell was a one hit wonder, but that hit was so catchy and fun and 80's cool that it actually made a comeback within the past 12 months.



It's a catchy song and easily one of the best "one-hits" of the 80's.

Meanwhile "Whatzupwitu" has literally nothing going for it. Like, at all.



First off it's ridiculously spelled. Second off, the video has some of the most squirm inducing scenes between Eddie Murphy and a pasty ghost, and yes we know that Pluto Nash featured Eddie and an albino. You remind someone about "Whatzupwitu" and just watch them cringe. It's like giving lemon to a baby, exact same face.

Rockwell's got a classic one-hit and Eddie Murphy's got a classic reason why movie stars shouldn't moonlight as musicians.

Winner: Rockwell
Advantage: “Brown Mike”

The 2 Mikes had some pretty, um, "interesting" Relationships too.

In the early and mid 80's “Brown Mike” was linked to Diana Ross.

Although it was never clear to us if they were a couple, or if she was a parental figure or a mentor or if he wanted to be her or what. Still though, for that time period, that was like the equivalent of being with Beyonce.

He also dated Brooke Shields back when she was smoking hot and you certainly can't be mad at that. Also the picture below is hysterical.

Mean while, "Lite Mike" definitely got married to Lisa Marie Pressley and to prove it they came out on an MTV award show and gave each other the fakest kiss ever seen on TV.

He also married and some how had kids with Debbie Rowe without ever touching her or being in the same room with her.

This one is actually tougher than you may think. Diana wasn't in her prime but Brooke was. Debbie Rowe is just gross but can you imagine dating a 26 year Lisa Marie worth a half a billion? Or how cool it would be to take a dump on the toilet that Elvis died on?!

Still, there's just no getting around that Debbie Rowe character.

Advantage:
"Brown Mike"

And there you have it. Brown Mike takes it 3-1, he had the better friends, he cosigned the better weirdo, the headlines he generated weren't quite as entertaining but he was around a far cooler and bangable group of chicks.

Also, we didn't really have time to go into it here, but he also made Thriller.

Next Week on Friday Face Off: Fake Butts vs. Fake Breasts.

He-Heee!