I'm a pretty big fan of cream soda. It's pretty much the only thing, apart from water, that I drink on a regular basis. It's been established that the presence of cream soda is how I decide if a store sucks or rocks.
It's equally established that I shop for groceries like someone who's stoned. So when I went to Whole Foods with a hankering for something to drink I ended up leaving with a four pack of Izze Sparkling Birch.
It may have been the biggest mistake of my life.
Allow me to explain my thought process.
Firstly, I had Izze beverages before, and I've really enjoyed them. When I used to hit Quizno's on a regular basis Izze Sparkling Clementine and Sparkling Blackberry were my "go to" beverages. I loved them.
When I saw Izze Sparkling Birch thought it'd be a safe bet. I mean, I like cream soda, which is sort of like root beer, which is kind of like birch beer. So, I should enjoy Izze Sparkling Birch, right?
Wrong.
The first sip was so harsh that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to finish the bottle. I've never had anything like it. It tasted like sparkling watered down bitterness.
I'm not joking when I say that if I ever had to be in a Western where I had to take a shot and pretend like it burned, I'd just draw upon my experience with that first sip.
My god, it was horrible. I've never had anything worse before or since. I felt like I'd just tasted something from Bizarre Foods rather than something I'd willfully purchased from Whole Foods.
The weird thing is that it's clearly a palate thing. The first taste is the worse, but as I continued to drink the taste became less offensive. By the end of the bottle it had graduated to just "bad" as opposed to "the worst thing I've ever tasted."
And while I made that regrettable purchase months ago, I've still got one bottle left to drink, because you know, people generally don't like drinking things they thing taste bad.
I'm real when I say that if there's a Hell, they serve Izze Sparkling Birch and Cheetos.
Avoid this like The Plague.
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