Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dear Mario,...

Mario and I go way back.  I remember when he used to butt heads with Donkey Kong and I remember when he and his brother Luigi used to hang out in the sewer.  I mean, I wasn't all that into video games back then, but I remember the days.

Mario and I first got close in like '86.  But from then on, we've been pretty tight.  Every couple of years we spend an intense amount of time together and then we sort of seperate.

But last weekend, when I checked out his most recent adventure, Super Mario Bros Wii, I felt it was time for an intervention of sorts.

Clearly Mario's relationship with Princess Peach is a toxic one that's not healthy for anyone involved or even anyone close to them.  Lives get shattered and it's not pretty.

Now, I don't want to be "that guy" who blames the victim, but I do think that Princess Peach needs to take some responsibility.  Yes, she's usually minding her own business in her kingdom when Bower comes to kidnap her, but he does it every couple of years, like clockwork.  And it usually involves airships.

She needs to either invest in better security or possibly a restraining order, if they're available in her kingdom.  Bowser is a constant threat and he's abducted her before, which should be cause enough to get a restraining order in any land, even the Mushroom Kingdom.  Maybe they could enact some sort of anti-stalking legislation over there.

I'm not saying that she deserves to be kindnaped, but she should sort of expect it at this point.  At this point Bowser is more reliable than public transportation.  He's going to come for her; it's inevitable.  Perhaps she could take a few more precautions?  

But I'm going to be real; I believe that Bowser and Peach probably had a thing in the past.  Bowser's behavior seems inline with that of a jilted lover; he's obsessive about his former beau and he's very antagonistic with her current interest.  And Peach and Bowser are both royalty in neighboring kingdoms, so you know that their paths crossed in the past at official functions or state dinners or something.

If I was tight with Mario I'd tell him to move on.  No chick is worth dealing with a psycho for.  Because of his dealing with Peach, Mario's stuck with a lifelong enemy?  That's wack.

What's worse is that Luigi's involved just because he's looking out for his brother.  He's being a good sibling and now he's marked for death by a giant prehistoric turtle with a taste for blood.

This cannot be worth it for Mario.  Think about the toll his adventures are taking on his personal life.  He's got to spend so much time in the Mushroom Kingdom and his relationships back home have to be suffering.  He probably can't hold down a job, because the minute Peach cries out he's off to save her.  It's really disturbing.

Then factor in Yoshi and Toad and you've got two more characters sucked into the Bowser, Princess, Mario vortex.  It's not fair.  Yoshi just wants to eat things and lay eggs and Toad's allegiance to Mario has him marked for abductions every five minutes.

I guess what I'm saying is, at this point Mario is getting older and he really needs to think about his priorities.  Does he want to rescue someone who continues to gets kidnapped every few years in a vicious cycle, or does he want to cut her loose and find out what he really wants to do with his life.

I can't call it.

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