I didn't think it was possible but the people at Pringles improved upon perfection. Seriously, I've got no idea how, but they've actually made their chips crispier, which in turn has made those hyperbolic paraboloids even more delightful and less resistible.
I'm dead serious.
I went to the store on Sunday night to pickup a few things to hold me over. Naturally I was hungry, so I was grabbing everything in sight. Wasabi peanuts? Sure why not? Maple & Brown Sugar Life cereal? I'll give it a go. Pierogies? Hell's effin' yes!
Anyway I consider myself a snack connoisseur. Honestly, my snack game is bar none. I've got impeccable taste when it comes empty calories. I was up on white cheddar popcorn before it was fashionable. At this point I'm so far ahead of the game I'm taking cues from Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman. (I'm predicting an explosion in the "insects as snack food" market within the next 7-10 years.)
But occasionally I get cravings. Sometimes it's dried meats. Sometimes it's ice cream on a stick. It's been known to be Doritos and cream cheese. But lately I've been on a salt & vinegar tip.
Which lead me to my Pringles discovery. Now, it's been my long held belief that you just can't go wrong with chips in a can. I mean, you just can't. It's impossible. Their Restaurant Cravers "Onion Blossom" is amazing.
Basically Pringles has earned my trust, so much so that if they introduced the flavors of "Prostitute's Breath", "Cat Fart", "Drunkard's Vomit" and "Warm Hobo Urine" I'd probably give each of them a shot.
Anyway, I grabbed up the Salt & Vinegar Pringles, rang up my purchases and bounced. When I got home, I was still hungry but I didn't really want to make dinner. I just wanted to chill for a minute and snack. I reached for the can.
Knowing then what I know now, I can't say for certain that I'd do anything different. But the last day has been as agonizing that one time I tried to watch Leonard Part 6.
All I do know is that once I popped that can, I was insatiable. I could not cease. I literally felt like I was in an ad campaign, because I could not stop.
I can't fathom how they did it, but they've actually made the Pringles crispier. I'm pretty sure that it involved some M.I.T. quantum physics experts, about half a dozen string theory theorists and probably Max Shea.
Although upon further consideration they may have just consulted with George Hamilton to find out what his secret is.
Even at this moment I'm looking at the can and it's calling me, like the sirens of lore that called out to Odysseus. I want them more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But eventually that can is going to be empty, while my hunger will grow.I'm going to put that moment off as long as I can.