Twitter Tuesday: "You Suck At Being Married..."

One of my Twitter followers STOLE my iPod...kinda. It all started one day when I was in my office and...

HA!!! Wait a minute! Hold the phone! Before I could get the first sentence of this blog entry typed, I received this text message from ANOTHER one of my Twitter followers:

Add one more marriage to the scrap pile. Someone sent her a message and when she went to my [twitter] timeline, she went right to us having ice cream and she is certain that we slept together...

She is was his wife. Yes. I have ruined yet ANOTHER marriage via Twitter.

Now either I have a gift for ruining marriages or men are just stupid. I think it's a mix of the two. One on hand, I'm ruining marriages without any effort. Marriage...where two souls unite emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally creating stability and oneness with one another.

I'm nothing to write home about. I have a healthy mix of above and below average qualities. I'm not rich and I'm no smarter than the average bear. I've never had any reason to even want to seduce anyone. That takes too much energy. I'm really ruining these marriages with NO effort. That makes me some kinda prodigy right? Like those little kids who play drums at the age of 4 without effort...


Then you have these stupid ass men....and before you guys read this start giving me the side eye, understand that I am not talking about ALL men. I'm simply talking about the select bunch who really think they can cheat and get away with it.

Here's how it started....

One day for shits and giggles (and maybe some attention), I changed my Twitter picture to this:

Of course my Twitter count jumped about 127 points that day. One of my new followers starting tweeting me. He was funny and kinda-sorta witty so we got along just fine. Eventually, because it's human nature, we started flirting.

I flirt with everyone.

His flirting was a bit more aggressive, including him inviting himself to my apartment a few times. I just laughed it off, even though I knew he was serious. I don't even invite my own family members over to my apartment, let alone some random dude from Twitter who was actively trying to get into my 88 cent Walmart granny panties. DON'T JUDGE ME! Those panties are comfortable and inexpensive!

I don't do the whole internet dating thing. It might work for some people, but it's something I'm not willing to gamble on. Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to meeting a nice guy/girl at a bar? I've met hundreds of people (men and women) from the internet. I'm not afraid to do it and some of these people have become my absolute best friends.

The reason why it's so easy for me to meet random strangers is because it has always been about just hanging out, and NEVER sex. When dating, sex, and relationships come into play, there's a higher chance of being abducted or some crazy shit. Just ask any idiot who's been caught on To Catch A Predator.



While I don't knock people who believe in internet dating, it is not (and never will be) something for me.

I agreed to meet up with him at Cold Stone for ice cream one day. Hey, I wasn't about to turn down some high-quality, expensive ass ice cream.

So I had ice cream with this dude...who showed up to our "meeting" with his wedding ring on. We didn't flirt during our ice cream session. I wasn't even trying to woo him. I came there sweaty after a day's work. He was a gentleman and even succeeded in the nearly impossible task of not staring at my breasts or propositioning me for sex.

Like I said, he was a gentleman and a gentleman doesn't request sex during his first encounter with a woman.

We talked about ice cream, work, dogs, cats, blogs, and mutual Twitter friends. I've seen episodes of Sesame Street that were more sexual than our interaction. This lasted for about 20 minutes until he got a phone call about work and had to leave.

We agreed to see each other again for grub in the future. Nothing wrong with two people eating in the presence of one another. What's the worst that could happen?
Within days he was inviting me to his house while his wife was gone. I entertained his idea by asking him if he'd make me breakfast, to which he replied "maybe". DA FUCK!? If you want to work your charm on me, at least agree to make me breakfast. I had no intention of going to his place anyway. The last thing I need is to get caught up in some married man's drama outside of my comfort zone.

He gave me bogus lines about how he wouldn't invite me into a situation that he did not have completely under his control, how he wasn't meant to be married, how you had to live with your spouse for 6 months before filing for a divorce...blah blah blah...yada yada yada...whomp whomp whomp. I guess I'm a Leo now because I was born last night. I know the game! Hell, I've even written some of it's rules. Get the hell outta here!

Tragedy struck him when his wife called his tired ass out on his bullshit. I guess she read our tweets about having ice cream together and assumed we fucked. I couldn't do anything but fall out in hysterical laughter.
Mostly because of the déjà vu of it all, but partially because this guy claimed to be getting a divorce and was now hurt and shocked that his dear wife would suggest that he slept with some woman after an ice cream date. He sent me a text saying: It's tragically funny, that we DIDN'T even talk about sex or have sex, and things went left like this.

I wasn't exactly sure how to reply to this message because this was the same guy who said he'd make a MEAL out of me.



He told me that the first thing he did on Sunday morning was go to church. Meanwhile God was spitting out his coffee as Jesus gave ol' dude the side eye.



As I was reading his texts, I could see that he was trying to word it so that I'd admit that this was all ridiculous because we had never even slept together. Maybe so he could show his wife or maybe because she was reading the texts. How convenient for him. I didn't admit to not fucking him in the texts. Instead, I said: what we did in the dark will come to light and she's gonna find out that we had a threesome with the tranny we met at Central...and that I have herpes.

So he broke down and called me.

That was also fishy because we had never talked over the phone before, so why was he calling? Obviously because SHE was listening. I didn't answer so he admitted that she wanted confirmation. I told him to tell her to go fuck herself.

He made this big Twitter spectacle apologizing to his wife for taking his eyes off the prize. Well she obviously wasn't prize enough if he was all on my ass...and the asses of the other women he was following on Twitter. I was a bit offended LOL

Then SHE sent me a text today that said: You don't know me and I don't know you, but we both know ___________. I can't believe a word that comes from his mouth. I wanna hear the truth about you and him...

Bitch please. I'm not her husband so why should I feel obligated to tell her "the truth". I told her that I'd never be married to a man I couldn't trust and left it at that.

She never responded so I suppose my marriage ruining duties have been fulfilled and I can move on to the next victim. I will say this, it's pretty embarrassing to have to explain to your family that your wife filed for divorced because you met a girl on Twitter, bought her ice cream, and didn't fuck her.