Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ask Frankie...

I'm not sure if I should be giving my friendly advice when I'm suffering from menstrual cramps with blood spewing from my twat in a bad mood, but here it goes...

Dear Frankie,

I had sex, on a whim, with a guy at my job and now I'm pregnant. It could possibly be my boyfriend's, but I doubt it. I know he'll leave me if the baby isn't his and the other guy has nothing going for him. I considered having an abortion no matter who the father is but I'm Catholic. I have no idea what to do.

Distraught in Manhattan, 27

DIM(wit), your question is deserving of a Harriet Winslow SIDE EYE...

Catholicism says no to abortion, but yes to having unsafe sex not only outside of marriage, but also outside of your relationship??? oh I'm not judging. I just want to be clear.
I'm no stranger to fucking and sucking someone I have no business fucking and sucking. We've all been there. Luckily for me, I was only left with soon-to-be repressed memories (and maybe a quick trip to the free clinic). YOU weren't that fortunate so you have 3 choices...

1) Call Maury and suffer embarrassment on national television while entertaining the rest of us. If you do this, PLEASE run off stage crying after finding out that the baby does not belong to the man you said you were 500% sure fathered your kid.

2) Be honest with your boyfriend and suffer the consequences of your actions.

3) Tell your boyfriend it's his baby (while secretly praying that your loser co-worker doesn't have strong features).

If you don't like those options, you can always take the Mary route and claim you're pregnant with the child of God. After all, you ARE Catholic.

Dear Frankie,

I recently noticed that my husband has a really strange porn collection. A lot of the movies have guys spitting on girls and slapping them and other horrible things. I was a little disturbed at first but now I'm starting to wonder WHY he needs these movies? I thought we had a normal sex life, he's never asked to spit on me or slap me or anything even though he's clearly into it and I don't think I would do it anyway, what am I not doing? Should I be worried? what should I do or say?

There are worst things you could've found than a little spitting and slapping. Just be glad he wasn't watching Asian trannies get anally raped and pissed on by horses. We all fantasize about things we'd never do. He's obviously ashamed of and/or embarrassed by his porn collection if he hasn't invited you to watch or participate with him. When you said "I was a little disturbed at first....", does that mean that you aren't disturbed anymore and might consider being spat on and slapped if your husband asked? Compromise is the key to a great marriage! Just make sure you have a safety word.

If you're interested in joining your husband or at least approaching him with an open and accepting mind, by all means, go for it. If you're planning on criticizing him while making an I-just-swallowed-sour-jizz face...'s probably best to just keep it to yourself because it WILL negatively affect your marriage. Ignore it.


  1. "-just-swallowed-sour-jizz face"


  2. yea this crazy dude just taught me about the sour jizz face on AIM ;)

  3. You have the BEST pictures to compliment your style. I LOVES IT! I just promoted my expectations for you. You need your own show on HBO! And it needs to be a spin off of this Ask Frankie stuff.

    You could do standup with a powerpoint presentation of these pictures. Too funny.

  4. Regarding the first answer, great way to bring it back around to Jesus. Hilarious. I think I may need to watch Maury more often. And then the second is just interesting. Safety word is a must. Like the muff bucket said, "If it doesn't make me bleed or cry, I'll do it."

    That's the mentality we all should have towards life.



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