Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Point/Counter Point: The Royal Farms on York Road Sucks Balls

Point: By Skip Serpico

I've lived in four different states. I've been to Wawa, Circle K, 7 Eleven, Quik Mart, Buy n Bye and Diamond Shamrock and without a doubt, the Royal Farms on York road is the worst chain convenience store I've been to. Ever.

First off, they didn't have Cream Soda. Cream Soda, really? I'm not a frequent soda drinker, all that sugar gets me too hyper. But when I have a craving it needs to be satiated. So I went over to the soda cooler to find it devoid of Cream Soda.

I'm not talking about a sarsaparilla, or a ginger beer. I was looking for a chocolate egg cream or a goddamn birch beer. I wanted a cream soda, something that A&W makes and something that be found at any other fucking reputable convenience store.

I don't think it's too much to ask for. I want to walk into a goddamn convenience store, find a goddamn cream soda in the fucking soda cooler and pay for it at the goddamn fucking counter, that's all.

Anyway, I was down with settling. But of course they didn't have my backup soda either. It is really out of the question that a store might carry Cherry Dr. Pepper?

I mean, we've got a Black President of the United States, The State is about to get released on dvd, but I can't get either of the sodas that I've got a craving for? Bullshit!

But I tried to persevere. I mean I'm in Towson, which is in Maryland, so getting some Utz Premium White Cheddar Popcorn would be a breeze. Utz Premium White Cheddar Popcorn was easily one of the edible aspects of Baltimore that I missed the most during my exile in the West. Utz Premium White Cheddar Popcorn might possibly be the world's most perfect snack food.

Does that craptastic Royal Farms have any sizeable bags of that glorious snack available? Nope. Instead they offer up the seventy-five cent bags, which used to be quarter bags back in the day. That's not going to satisfy my hunger. That's barely going to whet my appetite. It's fucking malarkey what they're trying to pull in that sorry attempt at a convenience store. Oh, that Royal Farms is a great place to pick up stale porn

or week old hardboiled eggs.

I've seen thing floating in the Harbor that'd rather put in my mouth than some of the inventory at that Royal Farms. And if you want to buy warm out of date beverages "buy one get one for a penny" that's the place.

But if you've got a discerning snack palette or a hankering for a sophisticated soda pop the Royal Farms on York road is a place you should avoid like it's got the swine flu. And it wouldn't surprise me if it did.

Counterpoint: By Jay1

Skip, you're buggin'.

That Royal Farms on York Road is good, at its best and at its worst it's still an adequate and a completely reasonable place to buy bullshit, semi poisonous snacks.

I'll admit that it's not the greatest in the world, or even in town, but given the options in the area, there are far worse places to eat.

First of all, if you even go into a Royal Farms, you've clearly made the decision to eat some type of bullshit, junk food. So considering that, I don't think that you can completely shit on a place just because they don't have the exotic soda that you like, because there is some really good junk food there.

Personally, I would say that Royal Farms in general sucks, but that's because I'm from Harlem. So I've grown up with Bodegas and nothing beats those.

I defy anyone to try to buy a Turkey Hero, beer, aluminum foil, 3 dice and 2 loose Newports for 8 bucks.

But anyway, Cherry Dr. Pepper? Seriously? I'm not even sure that they still sell that anywhere anymore. I've seen it before, I've even seen Cherry-Chocolate Dr. Pepper I think, but I'm pretty sure that it was a limited time thing. Like Crystal Pepsi.

Also, Cream Soda just sucks. That shit is like Root Beer's retarded cousin, I don't think I've ever seen a human being buy one ever. And I know a lot of snack addicted pot heads.

I can't front, those boiled eggs are gnarly, I'll give you that, but their sandwiches are the shit, the chicken is good and if you want a normal soda like a Coke or Sprite, they got them for a fair price. I've been in there and spent 6 dollars and was able to get a drink and sandwich and chicken (I was hungry) and you can't get that anywhere for that cheap.

As far as the other bullshit that no body should ever eat that is sold at Royal Farms, they got some good stuff.

their collection of Krispy Kreme and Entenmanns’s is solid.
they got all the exotic Ben and Jerry's AND Hagen Das flavors

the chicken is better than almost any other place that sells chicken (aside from the obvious Boston Market a block away)

and they sell all of the "Candy Bar" ice cream that a lot of other places don't carry like the Snickers ice cream bar, the Twix Ice cream, the M&M brownie and even the super rare Klondike Taco.

and I know for a fact that they even got the rare Pringles that you were complaining about not being able to find at the supermarket.

Also, you know how there are some stores (whether it's in the mall or down the street or wherever) that always has at least 1 semi attractive girl in it? THAT'S this Royal Farms on York Road! I don't know if it's because of the office's that are across the street or what, but there are ALWAYS at least 2 reasonably attractive chicks in that store!

There were 2 in there this morning, there were 3 in there the last time I went, and don't even front like you weren't "this close" to hollering at that chick that was in the store last time we went in there.

Personally, if I have the option of going to 2 different stores that are pretty similar, I'll go to the one where I know I'm gonna at least see something to gawk at for a few seconds (the chick above looked better in person even though she is admittedly a poor example of convenience store eye candy).

So that, to me, makes me stand behind Royal Farms. Good, cheap, junk food (Better than many places in the area), decent variety of crap to eat and an almost a guaranteed place to find a chick that will at the very least start up a "how drunk would you have to be to hit that" conversation with your friends, which is always fun.


  1. ima Bodega boy til the end. . .lol, but this was Good!! u should do stuff like this more often, one of my fave posts so far. . . .

  2. oh goodness...where do I start? and really, I love this entry so much that I'm not even gonna try to shorten this response in an attempt to avoid creating an annoying ass sub-blog entry in the comment section.

    Skip you will forever be the munchies king of the world. seriously, I hereby dub thee...
    I've never seen anyone (besides myself) get so riled up over snacks or lack thereof.
    I'm incredibly aroused by the repetitive use of "goddamn" and "fucking".
    I know your frustration because I, too, have gone through this white cheddar drama.

    me (2 weeks ago via twitter):

    5:28pm - tonight is the perfect night for white cheddar popcorn, wine and a good dvd...maybe a romance comedy like Saw 5


    5:58pm - ok I just went to the 8-Twelve (knock off 7-Eleven) & asked for white cheddar popcorn. they don't have it so he tried to sell me Puffin Corn..DA FUCK?

    6:32pm - found some white cheddar popcorn at the other 8-Twelve across from my house. it's Herr's and they can't make white cheddar popcorn for shit!

    6:34pm - like, I seriously had to keep looking at the package to make sure it said white cheddar cuz I don't taste no white cheddar!

    there is really something magical in that midnight blue packaging...and that something special is the most amazing white cheddar popcorn. it's like edible velvet! *DROOL*

    Cherry Dr. goodness! Skip, are you following me? it's SO impossible to find flavored drinks: cherry vanilla coke, cherry vanilla dr. pepper. thank god I enjoy diet soda because I've been able to find cherry vanilla diet Dr. Pepper at SOME grocery stores in the 2 liter bottle. I enjoy DP much more than coke anyway (DP *giggle*).

    moving along...
    I've never seen boiled eggs or uncovered tits at Royal Farms.

    what's the deal with sales on expired shit? the grocery store near me sells nearly expired meat (like the sell by date is today) for a discounted price.

    ehem...I may not be "new york" enough, but I know and love bodegas and you described it perfectly.

    Also, I gotta agree about the chicken at Royal Farms. I walk like 40 minutes to the Royal Farms near my job just for the chicken. it's on sale for $4.99 too!

    still, gotta go with Skip on this one.

  3. I just wanna give a shout out to frankie and the "mini-blog" she host in the comment section of this blog.

    it's almost better than fish& itself.


  4. i'm being dead serious too.

  5. LMAO! I thought you were trying to be sarcastic, but since you clarified it, I'd like to thank you for that VERY blush-worthy compliment.

  6. Thanks for taking me back to my college days @Towson with this post:-) I'm in the middle b/c I HATED (x3) the way that it smelled in there and the scent would live in whatever I had on. The scent prevented me from ever trying the chicken. However, there was a Bank of America ATM in there and not paying an ATM fee was critical in those days. In addition, there were many nights on which that Royal Farms in particular, provided a sacred snack on my way back to my room after a night of partying.
    All in all, that place is iconic to Towson students....




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