The MTV Video Music Awards were on last night and (yawn) we watched them for you.
So the show starts with with Madonna pretending to be earnest about her relationship with Michael Jackson which is super awkward yet somewhat sweet, but generally lame as it's clear that she's reading a teleprompter.
Now, there's a really cool tribute to Mike Jackson that, at about 7 minutes long, is miles better than BET's tribute, you can only assume that this is better because MTV had more than a day to plan.
Janet Jackson came out and everything.
Katie and Steven Perry perform a lame rendition of Queen's "We Will Rock You" and it's corny.
Russel Brand is trying too hard to be outrageous, in his monologue he mentions how hot Beyonce is, the difference between the USA and Europe's health care and the possibility that Lady Ga-Ga has a cock and how he would still hit.
Then he talked about his own dick or something (because he's funny, hip and edgy apparently) before introducing DC rapper Wale who is relegated to being the house band for the evening because MTV needs to show off how hip they are and what better way to do that than by featuring a dude that got nominated for nothing but is at least twice as talented that most of the nominees.
Taylor Swift wins the first award and Kanye West decides to jump up on stage and tell her than her that Beyonce's video was better.
This forced controvercy is so corny I'm almost about to turn the channel to wrestling
Here comes Jack Black in what's supposed to be a hilarious fake muscle suit and the broad from Gossip Girls, I'm not sure which one. Maybe the star. I don't watch shows that sucks.
Jack is praying to Satan because he's so "Metal" and they give the "Best Rock Video Award" to Green Day.
Nobody really cares. I know I don't. It doesn't seem like they do either.
2 young girls, one of whom is on "iCarly" come out and give a shout out to Talyor Swift and introduce Taylor Swift who is performing live in a NYC subway station for some reason.
Where was I when Taylor Swift became a super star? Probably busy watching or reading or listening to something that doesn't suck, so whatever.
Pete from Fall Out Boy is also trying to force controversy with some sort of stupid t-shirt that nobody gets. And here comes a half assed Madonna impression by Lady GaGa. Where the hell is my remote?
Russel Brand is slightly more obnoxious than he was earlier, there must be some Studio 54 caliber coke back stage.
Nelly Furtado and some broad from The Hills. I don't know what they're talking about but I've been dying to talk about Nelly Furtado. I didn't wanna just crowbar her into a random post but DAMN id she's not one of the hottest and most underated chicks on tv.
If anyone knows her agent please tell them that I want to get a meeting with her because I have a show idea for her that I want to pitch. (I don't really have a show idea, I just want to be in a room with her).
Green Day is performing. Unfortunately, I lost the keys to my time machine so I can't go back to the 1990's where I woulda gave a flying fuck.
Pit Bull followed by the cast of Twilight, I can't really tell, I'm officially watching this in Fast Forward now.
Neyo and a guy from Gossip Girls introduce Beyonce. I know this is the forum that people like her like to pull out all the stops so I'll watch this.
She's wearing a long sleeve on piece bathing suit. I hate Jay Z.
According to the DVR, there's an hour left. God help me.
Merryl Soprano and Diddy are introducing "Best Male Video", when Diddy speaks Kanye's name the crowd Boo's the shit out of him, Diddy is baffled and it's hilarious because it doesn't occur to him why.
Wait, when they show the clip of "Love Lock Down", Kanye is Boo'd again, this is now officially hilarious.
T.I. wins but he can't accept because he's a moron and got himself locked up for being in possession of all types of exotic ratchets that I've never even seen before.
"It Band", MUSE is performing. Meh.
Another skit with Eminem and Tracey Morgan (and cyndy loper apperently). I say "another" because the first bit was so wack I chose to ignore it.
They just showed a commercial offering people the chance to text thier vote for "Best New Artist Award", all the songs sound like the background music that plays in "The Gap".
Hey cool, the ghost of hotness past, J-Lo introduces the "Best Hip Hop Video" award nominees and here they are:
Eminem, Flo Rida, Kanye (who got Boo'd again), Jay Z, Asher Roth. Seriously. Those are the nominees.
Eminem wins and I'm pretty much through with MTV in general. Like, I may put on the parental lock on this channel so I won't even scan past it by mistake.
Kid Cudi is "celebrating the genuios" of DJ AM.
In case you didn't know, DJ AM is a guy who made insane money spinning records (not producing, just spinning and blending apprently), then got burned up in a plane wreck and then killed himself last week. I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just updating those of you who didn't know who he was.
40 minutes to go. There's too much cranberry in my vodka/cranberry.
Eminem and Tracey Morgan are on stage live schticking up the place.
"The Moon Man For Best New Artist Goes To Lady GaGa".
I lunge for the Fast Forward Button.
A post meltdown Serena comes out. She's hot to me. Too buff though. Still.
She's introducing P!NK who must be very aware that the end is near because she's rocking a Lil Kim style exposed titty ensemble and is performing acrobatics blindfolded. The whole situation stinks of desperation.
Andy Sandberg and Jimmy Falon (Who are paired up because they're so hip and funny I guess) give an award to Beyonce. Dear God, I just wanna smell Jay Z's finger. Damn.
She's giving Taylor Swift a chance to shine, which is very mature. Or lame. I can't stop staring at Beyonce long enough to think about it.
What a class act she is. Unfortunately I'm smushing the Fast Forward button so hard I have no idea what she's talking about.
Jay Z is the final performer.
Alicia Keys is playing the piano and singing. I wish she would walk around more often. She's always sitting at that damn piano. That's why her ass is all spread out. I like that though. Ok, she's up!
Man, she's pretty. Now I wanna smell Swizz Beatz's finger.
And that's the end of that.
I now realize that the only reason to watch these type of shows is so you're not completely out of the loop when everyone is talking about how shitty the show was the next day at work, or on twitter or whatever.
I feel sorry for whoever watches this without TiVo.