Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Dear Tiger Woods
We understand you’ve been having a pretty sucky 2010. In fact we’re pretty sure that only Haiti is having a worse new year.
It actually reminds us of the time that Chet made sensitive internal Fish & Spaghetti emails public and the outcry that followed. God, the money that we spent in spin. We’re still doing PSA’s to rehab our image.
Anyway when we heard you got dropped by Gatorade, first we were shocked.
Then we were sad. Then we raced to the store to buy up as much of your Gatorade flavors as we could find. Seriously, that stuff is going to go for at least three digits on Ebay in like four months.
But then we realized that a unique opportunity had presented itself. According to Kim, Fish & Spaghetti is “hilarious” and “slept on” and that we “need to advertise more.” So imagine it; Tiger Woods, the new face of Fish & Spaghetti.
It’s perfect. We fancy our brand as being on the corner of crass and wit, so clearly you’d fit right in. Wit is thought of as being a product of culture and what’s more cultured than the game of golf?
And if even half of the allegations about you are true, then you’ll certainly appreciate our occasional dips into the dirty pond of crassness. It seems like it’d be a happy marriage, and Quetzalcoatl knows that you could use one of those right about now.
Now of course we’ll happily cater some of our vaguely regular features to more you friendly topics. Can you imagine a Friday Face-Off between Retief Goosen and Vijay Singh?
That hilarious little bit practically writes itself!
And what about a “White Chicks are Awesome” Point/Counterpoint? (With the counterpoint being “White Chicks are Super Awesome”, naturally.)
Of course we’d happily do a Wild Pitch Wednesday: Tiger Woods – Action Star!
Ok, so now get to what we’re willing to offer. We’ll be real; the economic downturn has got us in a bind. We can give you everything in our defunct Adsense account. We can also offer you space to put your own defunct Golf Digest column, which will go over big with our readership.
We’re also willing to give you 50% of the profits from any of the Wild Pitches that get sold. And Tiger, if anyone can sell (and host) Smell My Finger, it’s you.
So Tiger, think about it. We’re making an offer that’s mutually beneficial. It’s win/win. And at this point you could probably use a win more than we could.
The Fish & Spaghetti Staff