Thursday, March 4, 2010
Once again the Oscars® are just around the corner. It’s time for Hollywood fakes to fill the Kodak Theatre with half-hearted and hollow applause rather than genuine well wishing. It’s an annual tradition that’s little more than a popularity contest. Despite the all acclaim, hype and the recognition, there’s really only one winner
That’s right, we’re talking about the annual Montage of the Dead and who gets the coveted closing spot.
We at Fish & Spaghetti are offering up our handicapping of the Montage of the Dead free of charge.
(We also want to note that our handicapping is for entertainment purposes only. We don’t condone gambling, unless you live in Reno, Vegas or Atlantic City. Or on a riverboat.)
Michael Jackson – He was a star of movies, so the guy is eligible.
However his death has been done to, well, death. Also, he’ll get a shockingly small amount of applause considering the auditorium is full of people who would love to work with Roman Polanski or Woody Allen.
Odds – 1,003 to 1
Dom DeLuise – Sure the guy died this year, but really, what’s the last thing you remember seeing him in?
There’s no way he’s closing out the montage.
Odds – 947 to 1
Bea Arthur – She made the biggest splash on television, but she did a pinch of film work.
Sadly it’s not enough to earn her the spot we’re talking about.
Odds – 978 - 1
Army Archerd – This guy just wrote about the stars, but he was a class act while doing it.
He’s like the Walter Cronkite of gossip. If he makes it he’ll be a big applause getter, but we doubt he’ll close the montage out.
Odds – 900 - 1
David Carradine – He had a solid career and even had a comeback of sorts.
He also had skeletons in his closet. And we defy you to come up with a less dignified death than being hanged in a hotel room in the kinky sex capital of the world while only partially clothed.
Odds – 500 to 3
Ron Silver – This guy was an actor.
He was also an activist. He died after a long battle. But be truthful; you can only remember the bad films he was in.
Odds – 200 to 1
Natasha Richardson – She’s got a lot going for her. She was part of a power couple. She had an impressive resume. Her death wasn’t expected. But she just doesn’t seem big enough to close things out. She’ll get huge applause though.
Odds – 107 to 1
Patrick Swayze – This guy had cultural impact.
He was a fighter. He’s a strong contender for the spot. Sadly he rose to fame when Hollywood was having it’s “awkward growth period”, the 80’s. Things haven’t aged that well, which hurts him.
Odds – 50 to 1
Karl Malden – To anyone under the age of 30 they don’t know who this guy is. Anyone under 40 only knows him from American Express commercials.
But he was an accomplished actor who held is own with Brando. Fortunately Hollywood’s an old town that often goes old school.
Odds – 15 - 1
John Hughes – This guy had impact.
His movies shaped a generation, a generation that’s currently running Hollywood. He’s the guy to beat.
Odds – 2 – 1
Obviously since the telecast is a few days away there’s plenty of time for someone else to pass from the mortal coil. That’s why as part of our service we’re providing some longshots. Sure they’re not dead, but a lot can happen between now and the Oscar©
Jack Klugman – We love this guy and would hate for anything to happen to him, but if he should pass away, he’s going to close the montage hands down.
He is getting up there…
Odds – 10 to 1
Dakota Fanning – We’re not predicting anything shocking like Heath Ledger.
If she were to die, it’d be the result of rabid Twilight fans crushing her frail frame in a stampede at a mall. We think.
Odds – 3000 to 7
Billy Mays – Ok, so he’s not an actor and he’s never been in a movie, but that’s what makes him such a perfect longshot.
You put your money on him, he wins and you’re set for life. And if anyone could work their way into the Montage of the Dead, it’s this guy.
Odds – 800,000 to 1