Nutty #19

Taking the bus is an adventure. On the bus I've witnessed many things. I've seen fights instigated and broken up. I've seen drunks hit on women. I've seen drunk deaf people sign conversations that I'm sure incorporated the hearing impaired equivalent of slurring. But Wednesday on the bus I encountered two things I'd never seen before, and I can't tell if I'm the better for it or emotionally scarred because of it.



The #19 runs right past the courthouse on North Avenue. Nothing good ever gets on at that stop. Usually it's a working man who wants to enjoy his brew in the bag with the window open, on a cold day. But today it was a junkie.

I don't really have problems with junkies. If you live in Baltimore, you really can't have a problem with them, because heroin is as "Baltimore" as the Ravens, crabs and babies having babies. They're just part of the scenery, so you get used to them.

That said, I don't necessarily want to sit next to one. So when this haggard, let's say middle-aged, white junkie got on the bus I was relieved to see from my vantage point in the back that she was losing her balance in the direction of a seat up front.

I took a second to find a song that I wanted to hear on my iPod, I look up to see that her escort has decided that they should sit towards the rear. Her escort was burly Black gent, who didn't have any outward signs of addiction, but looked surly enough that I didn't want him sitting next to me.

The guys in the very back of the bus made way for the junkie to sit down and a couple stops later one of the guys got off. With the added space the junkie and her escort made themselves comfortable; she proceeded to start messing with her feet.

Now the thing about junkies is that they're a twitchy fidgety bunch. She was drug ravaged enough that I didn't want to look at her directly, so I snuck a glance to see what she was doing. It turned out she was wiping the rain off of her feet, which were no longer in her sandals.

I took a deep breath and valiantly hoped that none of that excess moisture was making it's way toward my direction. And after her feet were dry enough, they remained sans sandals. I was tempted to get a picture, but thought the better of it, because causing a scene on a bus with a junkie and her escort can't end any way but badly.

And then things took a turn to the bizarre; she began painting her toenails on the bus. I wanted to offer up some other suggestions for improvement; trying to get rid of that acne, healing the open sores on her hands, dental hygiene in general. But before I had the chance to fully process the scene, the bus had reached the store and I was time for me to get off.

After the trip to the store I got on the next bus, which was less packed and seemed a great deal more mundane. With my hands full of my purchases I made my way again to the every back of the bus. I sat in the middle. To my left was a guy who was unconscious, my right a normal looking guy with a cup in his hand.

I instantly realized that I was going to need one of these guys to ring the bell for my stop. I opted for the guy on my right. As if on cue he blurted out, to no one in particular "Gotta piss like a race horse!" I instantly tensed up.

The guy opened the window, poured the contents of his cup out and then began fidgeting with his pants. Now I've heard of people evacuating their bladder on an empty bus, but there was literally one seat between us.

Again, in a public restroom I've been in closer quarters with a guy doing his thing, but this was a bus at 9:45 pm.

I only had two thoughts in my head; 1) as long as he doesn't throw his piss on me, it's not that big a deal and 2) I really hope he's finished before my stop because I need him to ring that bell.

Ok, I did have a third thought; "Eyes forward Skip" because really, the only way the situation could get any more awkward would be if eye contact were made.

He finished. He rang the bell. I got off and hurried home.

Now that I've just written this, I'm pretty sure that I'm scarred for life. And I'm equally sure that I've never been more open to the notion of driving than I am right now.

But the good news is that I'll be might hard to top Wednesday as "nuttiest bus experience ever."