Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Irwin the Kangaroo
So, Ma Serpico clued me in on the incredibly nutty saga of Irwin the paralyzed Kangaroo. Wait, is he "handicapped." I never know the correct term for referring to a disabled kangaroo.
You can read all about it here.
I found the entire story to be enthralling. But it brought up a ton of feelings and questions. And I've really got to get them all off my chest.
(And allow me to apologize in advance for my ignorance on the subject, but my knowledge of kangaroos is based solely on what I learned from television, mainly that one kangaroo that Sylvester the cat would mistake for a mouse in those awesome Loony Toons cartoons.)
1) Why would you name something after Steve Irwin and not expect tragedy to follow. The guy was killed because he was speared in the chest! You name this kangaroo Irwin and he runs into a fence, breaking his neck and causing brain damage. Yeah, that seems just about right.
JFK Jr died tragically, just like his pop. Tragic. Martin Luther King III is largely ineffectual, unless you need help deciding what toppings to get on your pizza. Tragic.
2) How exactly do you access brain damage in a kangaroo? Is there some sort of standardized test? Is it his inability to properly use his pouch? I find that suspect.
3) What exactly was Irwin running from? Had he done something wrong? After all, kangaroos do hail from Australia, just like Mel Gibson.
4) Is there EMT for vets? And if so was there vet EMT to took charge of the situation? "Look, I did my vet residency in Perth, so I know all about kangaroo spinal trauma. Now, give me some room, or else this kangaroo will never hop again."
5) Speaking of hopping, how sad is it that he can only hop three or four times in a row, and only with assistance? Are they encouraging Irwin and he's tapping out? They they trying to push him; "C'mon Irwin! Just one more hop! You can do it!"
6) And on that note, is there some sort of correspondence course that I can take where I can get a certificate in kangaroo physical therapist? I can't imagine that you'd get much work, but the work you do get you can probably charge whatever you want. "Yeah, he'll hop again. But it's going to take daily sessions, and I charge $350 an hour."
7) Is anyone else worried that paralyzed kangaroos are going to be the next fad for celebutantes? There'll be a whole industry of crippling baby kangaroos so that celebrities can carry them to award shows. Then the next year the Humane Society will be stuck with all of these handicapped kangaroos that no one wants because they'll be out of fashion.
8) Am I the only one who's creeped out that she dresses him up? I mean seriously. And the claim that getting him dressed is therapy is very suspect. Though I must admit, Irwin does clean up nicely.
9) How does the diaper work around his tail? I'm very curious about the logistics of it all. Like, are there specific diapers made for kangaroos? Are they brand name kangaroo diapers or the just generic kangaroo diapers?
10) Where can I sign up to write the Lifetime Original Movie version of this entire ordeal? I mean, what could be more uplifting about a disabled marsupial fighting against an unjust law? His single female caregiver falls for the strapping lawyer, filled with cockeyed optimism, who takes their case.
Hell, if you get Sandra Bullock and Jason Patric to sign on and boom, you've got a Speed 2 reunion and a theatrical release.
I do want to say that I'm totally pro Irwin the kangaroo and his battle against Oklahoma laws. Mainly because if the exotic pets laws become less strict we might actually, finally, get back on track to create the Planet of the Apes