Thursday, February 23, 2012

Oscar Predictions 2012

Is it time for the Oscars already?  This Sunday A-listers and seat-fillers will fill the Kodiak Theatre.  Once there they will sit in their seats offer up faux-applause for their colleagues and compatriots.  It's an annual tradition that's more akin to a Homecoming Court contest than a genuine gauge of talent.  And when it's all said and done, one celebrity triumphs over all the others.

Of course we're talking about the annual Montage of the Dead and who get's the incredibly coveted closing spot.

We at Fish & Spaghetti, once again, are offering up out annual handicapping of the Montage of the Dead.

Patrice O'Neal

He's got some movies to his credit, though he's mostly known for his stand up and television appearances.  Honestly we'd be surprised if he made the Montage at all, much less in the final slot.

Odds: 1,582,652 to 1

Heavy D

Again, you've got another charming hefty Black guy who's not supremely well known for his movie work.  But he was in Cider House Rules, so the Academy is aware of his acting.  We think he'll make the Montage, but he won't be last.

Odds: 1,000,000 to 1

Jeff Conaway

This dude had his breakout in the film and then went on to become a star on television.  But television also documented his slow and steady demise courtesy of VH1's "celebreality."  The Academy won't look kindly on that.

Odds: 725,403 to 1

Jane Russell

She was a hottie back in the day, sort of like a talented Kim Kardashian.  She'll probably go deep and will certainly get a nice pop, but she certainly won't close things out.

Odds: 120,458 to 1

Cliff Robertson

This guy had some memorable roles.  Charly was huge as was his role as Uncle Ben in Spider-Man.  He earned a ton of goodwill from Hollywood and in different year the final spot would totally be his.  But in 2012, the competition is fierce.

Odds: 596 to 1

Whitney Houston

Sure, the didn't have the best films on her resume, but she connected with audiences.  She was also a huge star.  Also in her favor; she's the most recently deceased.  She's practically still warm.  She stands a good shot, but again this year has some heavyweights.

Odds: 25 to 1

Peter Falk

Most people know him from Columbo, but he was a talented film actor as well.  Television was his second act.  He's not quite powerful enough to get that last spot though.  On, and more thing; he was awesome in The Princess Bride.

Odds: 17 to 1

Sidney Lumet

He's an awesome director who helped define the language of 1970's cinema.  He also directed the Before the Devil Know's You're Dead, when he was 81.  He could certainly close things out and he might.  But I think there's one who could beat him.

Odds: 2 to 1

Elizabeth Taylor

To an entire generation of people she's a perfume pitchwoman and Michael Jackson's best friend who always showed up in the tabloids.  But before all that she was a Hollywood star of the highest caliber.  Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is just so awesome.
Odds: Even Money

Of course, since we're still got a couple full days before the show, there's a chance that someone else could sweep in and steal that slot from Elizabeth Taylor.

Here are our longshots:

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Before she became tabloid fodder Gabor was an actress of some renown.  She also had nine husbands.  But now she's plagued by health problems and is literally on her last leg.  We say put your money on her.

Odds: 10 to 1

Jack Klugman

Look, we love this guy.  He's the only half of The Odd Couple that we haven't met.  We don't want him to die.  But we've picked him the last two years, so there's a chance that he's staying alive just to spite us.  We're totally fine with that.

Odds: 599,274 to 1

Mel Gibson

Everybody hates him and his wife just took half of his fortune.  He's no longer bankable as a star or director.  Also, he's got abuse problems, both substance and physical.

Odds: 204,894 to 1

Michael Jordan

His team is the worst in the NBA and he's a known gambler.  If he were to die, we'd bet that the star of Space Jam's death would be gambling related.  A possible scenario; the Charlotte Bobcats losing to the Washington Generals.

Odds: 4,096,837 to 1

Well that does it for another year.  And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only.

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