Friday, June 24, 2011

Dolphins Are Jerks

I don't like dolphins, never have.  I think they're smug, they think they're so smart and they're just all around pricks.  If the ocean were an 80's movie, dolphins would be the preppy jerks.

I've watched touchy-feely documentaries like The Cove and for years I've had to tolerate people and their irrational dolphin love.  It seems like every third person claims that dolphins are their favorite animals and it makes me want to vomit with anger.

But finally I've got some evidence.

Apparently dolphins off the coast of California have been attacking and killing porpoises.  Like brutally attacking and killing porpoises.  Like ganging up on a lone porpoise pummeling it, killing it and playing with it's corpse.

To me it's almost like the dolphins are trying to prove how "intelligent" they are by mimicking the way humans act.  It's like they're trying to one-up our acts of bullying and senseless violence.

And in that regard, I kind of respect the dolphins for that.  I mean, to do something as jerky as playing with the corpse of something you just murdered  that's an arrogant move that shows a blatant disregard for taste and decorum.  It's like the equivalent of those morons who videotape themselves committing crimes and then post the video on the web.  It's almost admirably reckless.

Given the attacks on the porpoises, I'm pretty sure the only reason dolphins get caught in tuna nets is because they're mocking the tunas for getting caught and end up caught themselves.  "Look at the stupid tuna getting caught in a fishing net.  Wait, what? F%$@!"

So now whenever anyone speaks up on behalf of dolphins, I'm totally going to bring this story up and mercilessly throw it in their faces.  Whenever they bring up the dolphin slaughter in Japan (as captured in The Cove) I'm going to say that the dolphin slaughter probably saved dozens of porpoises from being bullied and murdered.

I think I just got an idea for Wednesday.  Sweet!

(You can read the news story about the heartless killing here.)

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